


our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn’t have to bear alone

by LoveWithAGirl



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 12:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10696668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveWithAGirl/pseuds/LoveWithAGirl
Summary: Chin chooses Kono.





	our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn’t have to bear alone

**Author's Note:**

> I love Chin Ho Kelly and Kono Kalakaua, and I think that they would be so good together. I also didn't want to erase Malia, because her and Chin loved each other, too. So here's how the season 2 finale/season 3 premiere could have gone.
> 
> I listened to 8 songs while I wrote different parts of this, so I made a [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/22fntu7jl4aoy5mfldgwauyxq/playlist/5hSGdn1RlIRG99BdOIaLxE) that i would love if y'all would listen to while reading this

Chin chooses Kono.

Chin, shaking with anger and nauseous with fear, gets in his car and breaks the speed limit to get to the dock Delano said the boat would come back to. He calls Max on the way, chokes out ‘911’ and his own address before hanging up, and swallows back bile when he sees the dock. He waits, muscles taut with anxiety, as the boat pulls in, and then makes eye contact with Kono in time for the man to push her overboard anyway. 

He doesn’t think, just pulls his gun and shoots the bastard before running across the boat and diving in after her. The water is dark but he finds her, and with wide eyes she stops struggling to make it easier for him to pull her up to the surface. It’s hard but he manages to get his pocketknife out and cut through the tape on her hands before hauling himself up onto the boat, and he gets his gun off the boat floor quicker than the man behind the wheel. Then there’s nothing left to do but turn around and pull up Kono, and Chin pretends his hands aren’t shaking when he cuts through the rope binding her ankles as she peels the tape off her mouth. He stands, then, and just stares at her, both of them breathing harshly and ignoring the bodies at their feet and painfully alive.

They’re frozen for a minute, but then Kono’s voice cracks when she asks where Malia is, and then she follows him when he realizes what has happened because of his choice, jogs back to his car with him on unsteady legs and braces a hand against the dashboard when he lights up his sirens and speeds away from the dock.

They get to his house and find it a crime scene, and Chin’s knees buckle as he gets out of the car but Kono is there under his arm to brace him with one hand pressed to his heart, silently steadying him. Duke comes running over, face distraught as he asks why their phones have been off before saying that the ambulance already took Malia, and Chin gets back into his car on autopilot because that means she’s still alive. Kono waves him away, voice anguished when she says that she’ll wait for their team, and then he races off.

Before turning the corner he looks in the rearview mirror briefly and sees her turning away from Duke to vomit on his lawn; he can’t get rid of that image for the rest of the night.

\--

The week after the funeral, Chin can’t look at her for more than 30 seconds at a time. He’s sick with self-loathing and selfish relief that she’s alive, tries to numb himself out and tries not to hate himself for not finding a way to save them both. He doesn’t know what Kono’s thinking, if she’s grateful or angry or sad, can’t look at her long enough to get a read, and it tears him apart every time she cuts herself off when trying to talk to him and he can’t bring himself to ask what she wants to say. 

She finally breaks the silence at the end of that week, though, bridges the gap when they have no leads on a case the team was all hoping could distract them, when Danny and Steve and Catherine have been watching him with sad eyes and offering outs from the case with guilty tones, and follows him home. He lets her, leaves the door unlocked and goes to sit at the kitchen table, and waits for whatever blow she’s going to deal him. 

He isn’t ready for it at all.

“It’s not your fault,” and her voice is soft but it still unleashes the monster that’s been keeping him awake since he arrived at the hospital clinging to hope only to learn that his wife had survived long enough to die in the ambulance instead of in their home. Chin makes himself look, then, makes direct eye contact with Kono and holds it so she knows that everything he’s about to say is real.

“Yes, it is.” She opens her mouth immediately but he holds his hand up to cut her off, curls the other into a fist on the table and takes a shaky breath. “It is entirely my fault, Kono. I knew exactly what was going to happen when I made the choice I did. I didn’t pull the trigger, but I killed Malia,” and that breaks him, anger and sorrow suddenly arising and overwhelming everything. He shuts his eyes against tears but still sees her devastated face, and he doesn’t know what to do now that the truth is out.

He didn’t cry at the funeral, couldn’t cry at the wake immediately after or the ceremony in the water a few days later, and it hits him now, grief making his shoulders shake with the sobs that come tearing out of his chest. It takes him over, and then Kono is at his side, wraps her arms around his shoulders and pulls him close when he turns towards her, and she holds him tight when he clutches at her hips and presses his face to her stomach. He doesn’t know how long he cries, only knows that she doesn’t let go and doesn’t make a sound, and when his tears finally abate to shaky breaths he looks up to see her looking wrecked, silently crying above him, and Chin’s heart breaks all over again, just like it has every day since he’s had to choose.

Kono cradles his face and thumbs at his stray tears while trying to sniffle back her own, and he has to stand because the gentleness of her hands is too much, has to pull her in for the first hug in too long, has to hold her close and try to give back some of the strength she’s been showing him. “It’s not your fault,” she sobs into his neck before sucking in a shaky breath in an attempt to stop her tears again, and Chin doesn’t want to argue with her but can’t let her believe that lie.

“It is, Kono, it is. You’re okay, I promise.” They don’t speak again for a while, just hold each other close until they’re breathing in sync, until their heartbeats are steady again, and only then can Chin believe that maybe they’ll both come out of this okay.

\--

Kono doesn’t go surfing anymore. At first Chin thinks it’s because they’re so busy with cases, because she’s so busy throwing herself into finding justice for victims, but he slowly recognizes that that’s not the issue, because she used to always find time to surf between cases. She doesn’t go near the water anymore if she can help it, hasn’t since they all went out in the ocean for Malia, and Chin gets a sinking feeling in his stomach when he thinks about it more and more, and after three weeks he has to bring it up.

“Hey, dinner at yours tonight? I’ll cook,” is all it takes to put a wide smile on her face, and she agrees easily because it’s been a few days since they’ve seen each other outside of work and he knows that she misses it as much as he does with the new emptiness in their lives. He laughs loudly when she admits that she hasn’t gone grocery shopping recently, so he goes on his way back to her house, and he feels light for the first time in a long time when he arrives with the food and she’s waiting for him in the kitchen with two beers.

Kono ends up on the counter next to where he prepares the food, and she laughs every time he has to swat one of her hands away when she tries to sneak a piece. It’s soothing and steady and Chin doesn’t want to ruin this precarious happiness they’ve enclosed themselves in, but he needs to know if she really is okay. He waits until everything is in the oven and resting in pots on the stovetop before looking at her and bringing it up. 

“Why haven’t you been surfing?” The smile on her face immediately tightens into a pasted on one that he can see through, her responding shrug carefully planned, and Chin aches because he’s seen her fake these emotions with other people before but has never seen them turned on him.

“Just haven’t had the time, brah. We’ve been too busy lately, and I’m just too tired on our days off.” She lies smoothly but Chin is the one who taught her how to, and while Kono has learned how to put up walls as she’s gotten older, the mood they’ve cultivated tonight has them all down. He reaches out for her carefully, takes her hand when she lets go of her bottle and squeezes gently, keeps his voice soft.

“You can talk to me, you know. You always can, I am always going to be here for you.” She nods and smiles crookedly at that, and he squeezes her hand again, takes a deep breath, and pushes again. “So, what’s going on? Why don’t you go to the beach?” Her smile drops away with her gaze and instead she looks guilty, eyes on the floor and spine hunching as if she’s trying to make herself smaller.

“I’m scared.” Her voice is so small he almost misses it, and when what she says fully hits him Chin can’t breathe, because it’s his fault that Kono can’t do what she loves anymore. “It’s-it’s stupid, I wasn’t even under for more than, like, 30 seconds probably when that guy pushed me overboard, but I tried one day, and just ducking under a wave made me want to get out of the water and run so far away.” She’s squeezing his hand tightly and Chin doesn’t even care because he’s clinging to her, too, eyes wide and locked on her face when she can’t even look at him.

“I’m sorry.” The words feel empty, not good enough, because how can he even begin to apologize for doing this to her, but Kono looks at him anyway, and that’s a start. “If it wasn’t for me, Delano never would have done that to you. I’m so sorry, Kono, I am-” but she cuts him off by jerking her hand away and sliding off the counter to stand facing him directly.

“Don’t you dare take this on. This is all on him, not you!” She’s loud in her kitchen and the exclamation stretches between them, her shoulders tense and his breathing hitching in his chest again. “It wasn’t your fault, Chin. Not this, and not Malia’s death.” It feels dangerous, suddenly, and Chin wasn’t expecting the conversation to go like this but they’ve arrived at the same spot as before, and he doesn’t know what to do.

“Have you tried talking to someone? It might help. Or if you want, I could go out with you. Maybe just for a swim, yeah? We don’t even have to surf.” He tries to backtrack, tries to focus just on her problem, because that’s something he can help with, something he can try to fix, because it is his fault, no matter what she thinks she knows. “Let me help you, Kono, please,” and she’s wavering, he can see it, he just has to push a little more to make her let go, “We’re going to be okay, we just have to get through this together.”

“Okay. Okay.” Her shoulders suddenly look heavy as she droops towards him slightly, head tipping down and eyes sliding to the floor, and Chin reaches out for one of her hands again, breathes easier when she lets him take it. “Um, can we try tomorrow?” He doesn’t have to think twice before answering, just squeezes her hand until she looks at him again.

“Of course, Kono. Sunrise, maybe?” He smiles at her encouragingly when she nods, and then he lets his voice get teasing, tries to lighten the mood further. “Or is that too early for you, huh?” And she laughs, squeezes his hand before reaching out to gently shove his shoulder in protest, and he feels inexplicably pleased that he’s the reason she sounds happy again.

“Shut up. I bet I get up earlier than you on a normal day.” It’s playful banter after that, and when the timer goes off and he starts getting dinner plated for them, Chin is breathing easy and smiling wide enough to hurt his cheeks. They each have another beer with dinner, and Chin isn’t even close to buzzed but he takes Kono up on her offer to crash for the night anyway, figures it’ll be easier for that sunrise swim if they’re in the same place.

He falls asleep in her guest room and wakes up from a nightmare to the sounds of Kono vomiting in the bathroom. Heart racing and chest heaving, it takes him a long moment to untangle himself from the sheets and go to her. She’s kneeling in front of the toilet, trembling faintly and bracing her hands on the rim as she slowly pushes herself up, and Chin rushes closer and wraps his arm around her waist to help her stand. She leans into him even as she ducks down to rinse her mouth and spit in the sink, and he thinks that she feels skinnier than usual when she meets his gaze in the mirror.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” She sounds exhausted, looks it as well, and Chin wonders how long it’s been since she’s slept through the night, instinctively knows that it’s not his cooking that has her in the bathroom.

“It’s okay. Think you can go back to bed?” She nods and doesn’t protest when he leaves his arm around her, lets him walk her back into her room, and when she hesitates at the edge of her bed Chin knows what he has to say. “Can I stay?” He could end it there, but decides to go all in, “You, uh, woke me from a nightmare, and I haven’t been too good at falling back asleep afterwards.” He keeps his voice low and doesn’t look at her, feels too exposed even in the dark, but then Kono nods and lets go of him to crawl onto her bed. He walks around to the other side and slides in facing her, won’t meet her eyes but lets her curl a hand around one of his in the space between them.

“It’s always dark and I’m alone. I know it’s a dream, because you were there, you saved me, but the nightmares are always the ‘what if’ scenarios instead.” Her voice is hushed in the dark, and everything narrows down to just the two of them when he finally looks up and sees her eyes shining with tears. He squeezes her hand reflexively, and then she tangles their fingers together and tugs his hand closer to kiss his knuckles. “But you were there, Chin. You saved me,” and it’s almost enough, in that moment, he can almost believe that he did enough that night.

“And I’ll still be here in the morning.” He scoots closer slowly, presses their foreheads together and inhales with her as her eyes slide shut, and his chest feels too tight but it’s okay, because she’s alive and in front of him and he’s going to help her. “Try to get some sleep, okay? We’ll both still be here.” He falls asleep like that, pressed close and breathing in time with her, and when Kono’s alarm goes off he doesn’t remember his dreams, only that they weren’t nightmares for once.

They’re both subdued that morning, and Chin doesn’t make Kono eat when she hesitates in the kitchen, just smiles at her softly and tells her to go change so they can go. He gets into a pair of his spare trunks from the guest room and waits for her in the car, lets her take the time to psych herself up for this, and when she slides in the passenger seat and tries to smile at him Chin’s immediate reaction is to reassure her, “It’s going to be okay, I promise,” and her smile gets more genuine at that.

“I know, cuz. You’ll be there. Of course I’ll be okay.” The sky gets lighter as he drives, and as he parks at the beach the sun is just starting to crest above the horizon. Kono’s mouth is tight but she gets out of the car anyway, kicks off her sandals next to his in the sand and walks with him towards the water. She pauses at the edge of the ocean, stares down at the sea washing up towards the shore, but when Chin takes her hand she finally looks at him, and her crooked smile is what makes him take the first step, small waves lapping at his ankles as he turns to face her and starts slowly walking backwards.

“I’m right here, Kono. I’m not letting go. It’s okay.” He keeps holding her hand, smiles reassuringly when she takes the next step with him, and guides her carefully into the water. She balks when they’re waist deep, and Chin lets her, waits and squeezes her hand, and when she takes a deep breath and nods he keeps guiding her out, until they’re chest deep, and then he steps closer. “Do you trust me?” Her reaction is immediate, eyes locked on his and voice steady.

“Always.” He smiles at that, can’t help it, and he brings his free hand to her back, presses gently and feels relief wash over him when she tilts enough to start floating. His cousin’s breathing gets unsteady the moment her head rests against the ocean, her eyes widening up at the sky where the sun is slowly creeping higher and higher, but Chin leaves his hand on her back, helps her stay afloat.

“It’s okay, Kono, it’s okay. You’re doing great.” She settles slowly, chest rising and falling evenly, and Chin finally lets himself tip back as well, floats next to her and doesn’t let go of her hand, and it’s soothing, the sea rolling with them slowly, and it’s a while before he speaks again. “I’m proud of you.” He squeezes her hand when he says it, and when she squeezes back he lets himself smile because she’s still listening.

“I’m proud of us,” and her voice is soft but he carries that with him through the rest of the day.

\--

“I broke up with Adam,” she says a month later, aiming for nonchalance as she waxes her board next to him, but her tone is too careful and her body isn’t as relaxed as it should be. He’s at a loss for what to say at first, because on the one hand he’s pretty sure the relationship had made Kono happy, but on the other hand dating the son of the head of the Yakuza had been stupid and reckless and made Chin sick with worry. He settles, ultimately, on being her friend before being her protective cousin.

“Are you okay?” She shoots him a grateful smile at that, and Chin is thankful to his instincts that he didn’t tell her he was glad for it, because it’s not what she needs to hear from someone who shouldn’t judge her on relationships anyway.

“Yeah, I think so. It just, I don’t know, it wasn’t working anymore.” He raises his eyebrows at that, the protective side coming out again, and she can read him, she always can, so she just rolls her eyes and bumps their hips together before redirecting her attention to her board. “He didn’t do anything to me. Just, you know, the whole cop and criminal thing was kind of coming between us. He agreed.” 

“Well I’m glad you’re okay.” He’s glad they broke up, too, but she doesn’t need to know that, doesn’t need to feel any worse than she already might for the loss of a relationship. He finishes waxing his board before she does, and when she sticks her tongue out at him Chin laughs off the thoughts of Adam Noshimuri.

He brings it up again later, though, when they’re waiting for Danny, Steve, and Catherine to join them for lunch at Kamekona’s, the sun drying their hair out quickly and Kono wearing his sunglasses because she forgot hers again. “Were you really happy with him? I mean, even the part where he’s the son of a crime lord?” It comes out harsher than he meant, and he grimaces and shakes his head, holds up his hand before she can get defensive. “I’m sorry, not like that. I just-were you happy?” She shrugs and looks down at her lap briefly before raising her head again, mouth looking pinched.

“I was, Chin. But that doesn’t always keep a relationship together, I guess.” She sounds tired, and with her eyes hidden behind the shades he can’t read her as well, but her shoulders are hunched in slightly and she’s twisting her fingers together on the table. He reaches for one of her hands and covers it, squeezes gently in apology and tries to offer her a smile.

“Not always, no. But at least you have the happy memories, right? That’s what my psychiatrist tells me, at least.” Her hand freezes under his briefly, probably in surprise that he’s talking about Malia at all, even without mentioning her name, and he swallows down a sudden lump in his throat before continuing on. “I’m glad he made you happy, and I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like I didn’t approve, and I’m sorry that it’s over.” She relaxes, then, body still hunched but looking looser, and that’s all he can hope his words will ever do.

“Thank you.” They wait in comfortable silence for their friends, and Chin doesn’t let go of Kono’s hand until Danny comes up complaining about Steve’s driving as Catherine laughs at his side.

It’s enough.

\--

It’s been six months, and Chin thinks he’s coping as best he can. He’s still not ready to move on after being kidnapped and thrown in prison, even though his psychiatrist thinks it could be healthy and Leilani was kind.

He still loves Malia. A part of him probably always will, both he and his psychiatrist can agree on that, and Chin can’t find it in himself to let that part of him take a backseat just yet. There’s still so much emptiness and anger and sorrow inside of him, and he makes sure to hide it carefully behind his walls, but that love still burns bright in the middle of all of it.

It’s been six months, and Chin still has a hard time looking at Kono sometimes, because he chose her and he loves her and he has to live with that choice for the rest of his life. He killed his wife, no matter what his doctor or his cousin or his friends say; it was directly his choice that caused her to be murdered, and Chin sometimes hates himself because he looks at Kono and knows that he would make the same choice again.

He’s coping as well as he can while still hating himself, but that hate gets a little more tired every day, and every day it’s a little easier to breathe because that hate is getting heavy enough that he’s starting to let go for fear of it drowning him.

He sees the improvement in himself, and that’s something important that he is proud of. He hasn’t gone to the diner in months, and he limits himself on time spent at Malia’s grave. Danny tells him, one day, that he looks less haunted, and the soft smile on his friend’s face makes Chin feel even better than the words do.

It’s been six months, and Chin might never be able to let go of how much he hates the Delano family for taking away his wife, but he’s coping by channeling that hate into being efficient at his job. He channels that hate into hunting down criminals and making sure that they’ll go to prison and stay in prison for what they do to their victims. It works for him, doesn’t interfere with his life, and that’s all he can ask for.

“So, you gonna call her?” Kono’s voice is curious, and Chin looks up to see her smiling and leaning against the doorframe, propping the door open with a foot so she can cross her arms in front of her chest. He smiles back and shakes his head, leans back in his chair carefully to avoid irritating any of the injuries from the prison.

“No, I don’t think so.” Kono shrugs before nodding, smile not wavering as she steps into his office. He waits her out, lets the comfortable silence sit around them as she drops into the chair in front of his desk.

“Not ready yet, huh?” He nods in response, relaxes further in his chair and pushes his tablet a little further up on the desk so she knows she has his full attention, and Kono’s smile grows even wider when she notices. “Okay. How about helping me get Danny and Steve to come out tonight, then? They’re both a little uptight today, and Catherine’s out right now so she can’t help,” and Chin has to laugh.

“You’re a menace. Can’t let them just work through it on their own, huh?” She laughs with him and shakes her head, tucking hair behind her ear before leaning forward slightly.

“You know I’m not good at that. So, you in?” She’s grinning wide and easy, no longer worried and tense like she’d been at the hospital with him the other night, and Chin has never been good at saying no to her.

“Of course.” Kono relaxes back into the chair again, looking ridiculously pleased with herself and crossing her arms comfortably in a gesture he recognizes as contemplative, and he can’t help but grin again. “Alright, cuz, what’s the plan?” She sets it out for him, simple and easy, and it works like a charm, gets their team out for a night where nothing is wrong and everyone is happy.

Chin thinks, as he goes home, that she might have been looking to distract more than just Steve and Danny. He’s grateful that she was, and glad that it worked, and hopes that she keeps looking out for their little ’ohana like that. He texts her as he gets ready for bed, sends it just before turning off his light, and falling asleep is easy with that word rolling around his mind.

Mahalo.

\--

‘Sweetheart’, he used to call her, ‘ku’uipo’, like their moms called them. It started as affectionate when she was a kid, younger than him and following him around, then became something to tease with when they got older, and then it tapered off, only came out when drinking was going on. ‘Ku’uipo’, tripping off his tongue when he was drunk and she was laughing at him, when she was drunk and leaning into his side, ‘ku’uipo’, smooth and easy and fitting like they always did.

When he met Malia, started dating her seriously, he stopped using that nickname for Kono. It felt suddenly too personal, too much little kid affection and older brother teasing mixed up, too close to what he should be calling his girlfriend instead of his cousin. She never said she missed it, never even acted like it, and after a while he forgot he was actively trying not to say it and it just naturally stopped coming to him when they were all drinking together and he looked at Kono.

When the anniversary of Malia’s death comes around, Kono lets Chin get away with getting drunk for the first time in a long time. He hadn’t turned to alcohol to cope with her death when it happened, usually never even drinks enough to have anything more than a pleasant buzz, but when he wakes up and realizes what day it is, he knows he has to try to forget about it for the night.

It’s not necessarily a bad plan, and he stays safe-gets Kono to invite him over so he’ll be in a known location, hands his bike keys over to her when he gets there, and doesn’t bring any extra alcohol so he’s limited to what she already has. It’s just that Chin doesn’t take into account what other possible outcomes could occur. 

He doesn’t count on Kono matching him drink for drink, but she does, sets out beers across the length of the coffee table in her living room and sits on the far end of the couch. He doesn’t count on Kono bringing up Malia, but she does, stretches out her legs to tuck her toes under his thigh and smiles suddenly, starts with, “hey, remember when Malia dressed up as you for Halloween-” and cuts herself off when she starts laughing. He doesn’t count on being anything other than sad, but Kono turns the night into a celebration of Malia’s life, and they take turns telling stories over their beers.

Chin doesn’t count on Kono breaking out tequila when they’ve worked through the beers, but she does. They’re both well on their way to drunk, laughing as he lines up the bottles on the kitchen table, and then she reaches up for the bottle of Cuervo and two shot glasses on top of her fridge. He thinks about saying no, knows that she would respect it, but decides that there’s really no reason to. 

Three shots later, watching her laugh, the dam breaks.

“Ku’uipo,” and it rolls off his tongue like he’d never stopped saying it, feels at home in his mouth, “I only regret that I couldn’t save you both. I don’t regret choosing you,” and there it is, the truth that’s been rattling around his mind ever since that night one year ago. Kono shows no reaction for a moment, just tilts her head back and takes her next shot smoothly, and when she looks at him again her eyes shine with tears.

“It should be her sitting here, not me,” and Chin can’t breathe, “you should’ve picked Malia, Chin, not me, never me, ’m just your cousin, nothing else.” The silence that settles is heavy, blanketing the room, and Chin is caught between wanting to scream and wanting to throw up, because she can’t really think that. “You made a mistake,” but the tears start sliding down her cheeks and he realizes that she believes it completely, and then he almost knocks over the bottle reaching for one of her hands.

“Kono, Kono, no, I didn’t, I didn’t, I know I didn’t, you have to believe me.” She shakes her head and keeps crying, a harsh sob escaping from her chest, and Chin gets up on unsteady feet to stumble around the table to her side. “I chose you, I chose you, I’d choose you again.” She shakes her head again and he falls to his knees next to her, grabs one of her hands and curls his other around her thigh, voice sounding desperate to his own ears. “Please, Kono, I didn’t make a mistake.”

“Yes you did.” She clutches his hand tightly and starts crying even harder, wraps her other arm around her waist and curls in on herself, and Chin feels dangerously close to tears himself. He doesn’t know what to do, squeezes her hand back just as tight and presses his forehead to her shoulder, and tries to talk over her sobs.

“Please, Kono, please, it’s okay, I chose you, I’ll always choose you, please, it’s okay,” and he doesn’t stop, talks himself hoarse until she’s breathing harshly but not crying anymore, until she starts to straighten up but doesn’t let go of his hand, until he looks up and she’s staring at him with such a lost look on her face that his heart breaks.

“Survivor’s Guilt”, his psychiatrist had called it. “You’re probably already experiencing it, and it’s going to last for quite some time. It might never go away, but hopefully we can lessen the burden.” His psychiatrist was calm and careful when telling him, and it had been a relief to put a name to the mess in his chest.

Chin had never considered that Kono would suffer from it, too.

“Let’s go to bed, okay? We’ll feel better.” They’re drunk, he reminds himself, and she’s in no place for him to try and reason with her, so the next best option is fixing the emotional state they’re both in by ending it. “C’mon, up we go,” and he stands slowly, knees stiff and achy, but Kono stands from the chair with him, sways towards him once, and it’s easy to brace her with hands on her shoulders. “Okay, water first.”

They’re both a little unsteady, but Chin knows Kono can handle being drunk as well as him, so he’s not worried about her walking on her own. He encourages her to drink a glass of water from the sink, drinks one himself, and promises that they can clean up in the morning when she balks at leaving the kitchen and looks over to the table. He takes one of her hands, squeezes until her attention is back on him, and his smile feels crooked but at least it’s there.

“Okay, in the morning,” she agrees, and it’s a start. She’s a little clumsy walking towards the bathroom, but he trusts that she’ll be okay and goes into her room to wrestle his pants off. He takes his turn using the bathroom and stealing her mouthwash once she comes back, and when he walks back in the light is off and Kono is curled up on one half of the bed. He thinks about retreating to her guest room for a minute, but then she looks over her shoulder at him, eyes finding his quickly in the dark, and she says his name just once but it’s the only invitation he needs.

“I’m here.” Chin walks around the bed and crawls on carefully, stretches out slowly before shifting to face her, and Kono smiles slowly at him, eyes already drooping. He has to laugh at that, reaches out to gently push her hair out of her face before sliding his hand under his pillow, and keeps his voice soft. “I’ll be here in the morning. Go to sleep,” and he hadn’t realized how tired he is either, but his body already feels heavy against the bed. 

“Me too,” he has to strain to hear her whispered mumble as she presses her face against her pillow and her eyes slide completely shut, but she keeps going, “I’ll be here, too.” He hums agreement, sees her smile again, and lets her breathing lull him to sleep.

His hangover isn’t as bad as he’d worried, but it’s still the first one in a long time and it sucks. He stays in bed for a few minutes after waking up, keeps his eyes shut to ward off the worst of the headache and is thankful to his drunk self for remembering to use mouthwash. He can faintly hear Kono in the kitchen, and the smell of whatever she’s cooking is what gets him up out of bed finally, wincing as he opens his eyes and the headache hits at full force. He puts his pants on slowly, avoids any sudden movements, and stops in the bathroom before finally going out to join his cousin.

“Hey, sleepyhead, I was starting to think you were going to snooze the day away.” There’s laughter in her voice, and he tries to glare but settles for flipping her off when it just hurts his head again, but he can’t help but smile back when she flashes a grin over her shoulder. “Oh good, you look how I feel. Hopefully food will help.” The kitchen table is clear of their bottles and shot glasses, and as he sits Chin feels vaguely guilty for not helping, even though he knows that if he’d woken up first he wouldn’t have waited for her before cleaning up either.

“Yeah, hopefully.” It’s a delayed response but she doesn’t call him out, just pushes a pan off the stove and starts plating their food. It’s good hangover food when she brings it over, toast and bacon and eggs and spam, and after putting their plates down she goes back to the counter to get two large glasses of water.

“I’ve already had one of these, so you’re behind on the hydration game.” He shakes his head at her cheeky grin and nudges his foot against hers under the table when she sits, but he still drinks half his glass before touching his food. He feels bizarrely pleased when Kono makes herself a messy sandwich with her food like he taught her to after her first hangover all those years ago, and she just sticks her tongue out before taking a too big bite to make him laugh.

Breakfast is quiet, and only when they’re both done eating does Chin speak again, “Thanks, cuz. I’ll get the dishes,” and he smiles when she just rolls her eyes and stands with him. Kono almost never uses her dishwasher, and so he just washes the dishes in the sink before handing them over to her to dry, and it’s a companionable silence that he almost doesn’t want to break, but last night still needs to be addressed now that they’re both sober. He’s surprised, when she’s hanging the towel over the top of the faucet, that she brings it up first.

“I don’t suppose there’s a chance I can convince you to just forget about the latter half of last night, huh?” She smiles at him crookedly but there’s no strong conviction in her voice, and she doesn’t look surprised when he carefully shakes his head. “Yeah, didn’t think so. Living room?” He nods and follows her, sits on the opposite end of the couch so they can turn enough to face each other, and the lost look on her face opens his mouth.

“Kono, it wasn’t your fault,” and he finally lets go of the monster in his heart, “and it wasn’t mine, either. She didn’t deserve that, none of us did, but it’s on Delano. Not us.” She looks torn, and he can understand, can guess that she’s still blaming herself but wants to be happy that he’s not blaming himself anymore. “Kono, it wasn’t our fault,” he says it even and firm, and he’s surprised to find he actually believes it.

“I, I think I need help,” and that breaks her all over again, her face crumpling as she sniffles, and Chin reaches for her, scoots closer and pulls her in for a hug, “I want to talk to someone.” He hums soothingly and presses his cheek against her head, squeezes her gently and waits her out. “I keep blaming myself, Chin. I never blamed you, god, I couldn’t, but I just can’t believe that it’s not my fault she isn’t here anymore.”

“It’s not, and I know me saying it won’t make you believe it, but it’s not, Kono, it’s not your fault.” He keeps holding her as she starts crying into his shoulder, squeezes her tighter and tries to breathe through her pain because he can feel it heavy on his shoulders. “I chose you, and I’d choose you again,” he says it quietly into her hair but he means it, every word, and he doesn’t expect her to so violently pull away from him, tears on her cheeks as she bares her teeth.

“Why! You shouldn’t have, I’m nothing Chin! Why would you choose me?” She’s angry, he realizes suddenly, angry at him and herself, and it makes his throat lock up for a minute. He can’t do anything but stare at her, her eyes wide and red, hands shaking faintly as she rubs her cheeks to clear away the tears, and that’s what unfreezes him.

“Because I love you, Kono. You’re my ’ohana.” He feels off balance, unsettled, and Kono’s expression changes from plain anger to incredulous. Chin doesn’t know why but it makes him feel like he’s said the wrong thing, and then she opens her mouth.

“She was ’ohana too! You loved her, too. You loved her more.” She doesn’t believe him, it’s clear in her voice and expression, and he’s suddenly unsteady, teetering on a precarious ledge that he knows he has to go over so he can show her why she’s wrong.

“I loved you first!” He’s loud and it shocks them both into stillness, Kono’s eyes widening and her mouth falling open, and Chin’s suddenly breathing harshly but he can’t stop now. “I didn’t-I loved Malia. I didn’t settle for her, she wasn’t my second choice. I was in love with her. A part of me will probably always be in love with her. But you, Kono, I just, I loved you first, okay?” He feels hollowed out, has spilled everything he promised he would never talk about, and he wants to look away but can’t as she swallows and opens her mouth again.

“I don’t understand,” Kono admits, her voice small and her hands curling together in her lap, and Chin stifles a sigh and rolls his shoulders back, because this is hard for both of them. “Are you-Chin, are you in love with me?” It’s his turn to swallow, then, and he does close his eyes briefly before making himself look directly at her, because she deserves the truth.

“Yes,” and there it is, laid bare for her to see and take in any way she wants. “Yes, Kono, I am.” They’re both still and silent, Kono’s eyes closing and Chin unable to read her expression for the first time in a long time. He doesn’t know where this will go, how she will process this, only knows that he owes it to her to wait her out.

He doesn’t expect the smile, but when she opens her eyes and looks at him again it’s suddenly there, the expression on her face hopeful as she slowly reaches out for one of his hands, and Chin lets her take it, squeezes her hand gently as his heart skips a beat. 

“Good thing we’re only cousins through marriage, huh?” Her voice is soft, careful, but her dimples are showing and the hope in Chin’s heart makes his chest feel light. “’Cause I’ve been in love with you for a really long time.” It takes him a minute to really understand what she says, but then he can feels his mouth stretch into a wide smile, because this is everything.

“Yeah?” He squeezes her hand again and loses his breath when her smile gets impossibly wider, because she’s so beautiful and he’s so lucky and this is real. “You are?”

“Yeah, I am.” Kono squeezes his hand back and he wants to kiss her dimples, but there are still tear tracks dried on her cheeks and now isn’t the right time, not when she still needs support and they need to talk more, but at least he knows they’re in this together.

She loves him back, and he doesn’t want anything more from her until they’re both ready, and that’s enough.

\--

He gives Kono the number of his psychiatrist but doesn’t push her to call, just smiles and offers to go with her if she thinks it will make it any easier. It’s a pleasant surprise that the very next day she tells him she’s made an appointment for the following week, and he’s relieved that she isn’t putting off getting any help. She doesn’t ask him to come with her, goes alone in the middle of the day, but she comes by his office once she’s back.

“Survivor’s guilt. You were right,” she says it calmly as she sits on his couch, and Chin is so fiercely proud that she’s able to admit it to them both. “I made another appointment. I’ll probably go for a while, until I can reconcile it, you know? That it wasn’t my fault.” Her smile is crooked but it’s still there, and Chin has to smile back at that.

“I understand. There’s no timeline, you know? It’s okay if it takes a while. Took a long time for me.” She hums agreement and nods, and Chin pushes back from his desk to get up and walk over to her, feels his heart skip a beat when he sits next to her and her smile gets wider.

“I know we’re at work, but you’re really the only professional, so do you want to come over tonight, in a date kind of way?” She says it plainly and it makes him laugh, makes him feel ridiculously pleased and light, and he meets her halfway when she leans in, learns what her smile feels like against his mouth.

“Okay, professional, remember?” He’s gentle when he pushes her back after a minute, can’t help smiling with his teasing tone, and she hasn’t stopped either. 

“So is that a yes for the date?” Her smile doesn’t waver but he can hear the nervousness anyway, and so he leans in to kiss her one more time, smoothes his hand up to cradle her jaw before pulling away carefully.

“Yes, of course it is.” Kono’s smile gets even wider, and Chin’s still grinning when there’s a sudden knock on his door, and he looks over her shoulder to see Danny pushing it open, eyebrows raised and jaw working like he’s got something he needs to say, and Chin feels dread until he opens his mouth.

“Steve said some Hawaiian phrase that sounded like both a congratulations and ‘it’s about time’. I say fuck you, you could have told me you weren’t blood cousins so I could have not had a heart attack just now.” He’s stunned into silence for a moment before Kono starts laughing, head tipping back and one hand pressed against her chest, and then he has to join in, can barely breathe through the laughter at the look on their friend’s face. “Yeah, yeah, ha ha, laugh it up at the haole, huh?”

“Brah, god, your face, I’m so sorry, but this is priceless, oh my god, I wish I had a camera.” Kono’s talking through her laughter, still giggling next to him, and Chin’s heart feels light even as he tries to stop laughing. Danny rolls his eyes at them but there’s a smile tugging up his lips, and then Steve crowds up behind him, pushes the door further open and grins at them widely.

“Hey, I love you all, and I’m very happy for you, but some of us are trying to work here, so maybe keep it down?” And it sets Kono off again, laughing joyously as she leans back against the couch, and Chin has to join in again, sees Danny finally give in and start chuckling as he leans back into Steve slightly, Catherine squeezing in past them with a smile just as wide on her face.

His office is reasonably sized but their collective happiness fills it up, and this is his ’ohana right here, these four people in this room who love him unconditionally, these people he would die for.

\--

He asks again, later, why she and Adam broke up. He doesn’t know why the thought crosses his mind but it slips out of his mouth, and Kono’s shrug is casual, her body relaxed against his in bed. 

“He wasn’t you,” she says easily, like she didn’t just knock the breath out of him. “I did care for him, but he just-he wasn’t you. It wasn’t fair to keep waiting for him to be someone he never could.” He smooths a hand down over her back as she stretches briefly, watches her and wonders at how lucky he is that she’s wanted to be with him for so long.

“I love you,” and it comes out so easy, three words that are so powerful and fill him with so much happiness to admit, “so much, Kono,” and she raises her head from his shoulder to smile at him, beautiful and blinding.

“I know, Chin. I love you, too.” She says it back just as easy, no hesitation or second thoughts, and it makes him want to give her reasons to keep saying it. She kisses his jaw and smiles against it, teeth pressed to his skin for a brief moment before she slides one leg over his waist and pushes herself up to straddle him, grinning and ducking down to rest her forehead against him. “Now, want to stop talking about my ex?”

He pretends to contemplate it, slides his hands up her sides and can’t help but smile when she just hums and shivers slightly. “I don’t know, I’m not sure what else we can do.” She tries for a pout but just ends up laughing instead, tilts her head enough to kiss him sweetly while smoothing a hand down his chest. 

Chin doesn’t think of Adam Noshimuri again.

\--

For the second anniversary of Malia’s death, they each buy a lei and paddle out on their boards into the ocean together. It’s cathartic, praying for her and remembering her, and it doesn’t hurt as badly because they’re celebrating her life. Once he finally lets go of his lei and sees that Kono’s is already floating away, he looks over to see her watching him. Her smile is slow like a sunrise, and Chin is so in love, wants nothing but her looking at him like that every day for the rest of their lives.

When he asks, six months later, she says yes. 

She doesn’t changer her last name-he doesn’t ask her to and she doesn’t offer. They stay the same, Kono Kalakaua and Chin Ho Kelly, two kids a few years apart that were always running around together and looking out for each other. The planning is stressful, especially since it keeps taking a backseat to their job, but Steve, Danny, and Lou do their best to take on more so Chin and Kono can take turns working with the planner. 

“She’s happy for us,” Kono asks him a few days before the wedding, tucking hair behind her ear and shifting her weight as they stand in line for Kamekona’s, waiting to bring lunch back to the palace, “right?” He hums agreement immediately and smiles at her, curls his hand around hers at their sides and squeezes gently.

“She loved you, Kono. Of course she is.” It’s not hard to talk about Malia anymore, even though the third anniversary has come and gone. Chin still loves her, and always will, but it’s felt more gentle than heavy for a long time now. 

Kono’s smile is soft but genuine when she squeezes his hand back, and as she leans over to kiss him sweetly Chin thinks that he chose her, and she chose him, and their life together is good enough to justify that, forever.

Chin chooses Kono, and he doesn’t look back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for getting through this labor of love with me, and please leave feedback if you have any. Title is from "Goodnight Moon" by Go Radio, which made it onto that spotify playlist from above!
> 
> And feel free to come holler at me on [tumblr!](https://lovewithagirl.tumblr.com/)


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